Changing Up Old Patterns

Oh boys.  How I love them, and yet how they terrify me.  Throughout high school I was in a long-term relationship, and then when we broke up half way through my freshman year I went right into 2 more long-term relationships.  When my second college boyfriend and I broke up, because we were going to be abroad alternating semesters, I decided that I needed “time for myself” and should be single.  Well what that really meant is that I should be single but have fun whenever the opportunity presented itself.  Those habits lasted as long as they could, until I got too sick and now completely understand why guys no longer seemed interested in me.   I mean really, who can blame them, wasting away is not really the most attractive look out there. 

Well now that I have come a significant distance in my recovery physically, and as all my guy friends have pointed out “gotten my ass back”, guys are once again paying attention to me.  The funny thing is, as much as I love the attention, it scares me.  Given my rampant insecurities I always am afraid that they guys don’t really like me, and that after 10 minutes of talking in the bar they will get bored and find some way to get away.  So prevent this I either a)avoid all random guys entirely and just stay with my friends (which is easy since I only have 1 girl friend at home and the rest are boys) or b) talk to them for a few minutes and then blow them off before they have the chance to find me boring.

The past weekend I was out with a group of my friends and ended up striking up a convo with one of my friends from high school that I haven’t really spoken to  in a few years besides for the quick hello while we are both out.  We ended up talking for the whole night and made plans to go running together this weekend.  Today I got a message from him saying that he wanted to see me again sooner and wanted to see a movie or something beforehand.  So we made plans to go see a movie tomorrow night, and I am so scared.  I know that he was the one who initiated this date, but I am so scared that I will be terribly awkward and that there will be no conversation or chemistry.  Drinks were involved the previous time we hung out and I don’t know how things will be without them.  I definitely don’t need alcohol to have fun or relax, but there are definitely some situations where it doesn’t hurt. 

In the past I have cancelled on guys who have tried to set up an actual date with me after a night out at the bars, but this time I made a promise with myself to be brave and  go on the date.  Regardless of how high my anxiety gets, I am going to take the plunge and meet him at the movies.  Maybe there will be actual chemistry, maybe there won’t be.  If sparks don’t fly I will try my hardest to not internalize it and beat myself up for not being funny/pretty/smart enough etc. to captivate his attention.  I need to start living my life and not regret chances not taken, cause hey who knows, he could be the one :).

Have your fears of rejection ever stopped you from doing something?  How have you been able to work through them?


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