In My Head

Running is probably my favorite time to do some serious thinking.  I find that it is the perfect amount of time to mull over a topic in my head, without becoming obsessive, and it also takes my mind off of the distance I have left.  What I think about varies from run to run, and I tend to bounce around to several different topics throughout the run, but today my thoughts were spent solely on one thing.  No matter how hard I tried to fight it, all I could think about was how I am back at school without any of my friends and how much I don’t like it.  As I mentioned in my previous post, when I walk through campus I am alone and really notice it.  I know there is an awkward transition time that everyone has when going to school, but that usually happens during freshman year and not your last.  I am even less used to this feeling because I met 2 of my best friends in the entire world the first night of school and we were together from there on out.

The girls I’m living with are really nice, but we seem to have different priorities.  This semester is going to be really intense for me and I definitely cannot go out every night as they have this week.  I also know that I have to watch my alcohol consumption, given my family’s history with alcohol use.  I haven’t talked about this before on the blog but both of my parents abuse alcohol in different ways.  My dad is a binge drinker, but does not drink every night, where as my mom drinks at least 1/2 a bottle of wine every night.  I spent a lot of time with my therapist over the summer reflecting on my own relationship with alcohol and have pledged to set my limit to 3 drinks per night, appropriate for my size etc., and that I only want to go out max 2 nights a week.  Well these girls go way beyond my comfort zone in both amount of drinks and frequency of consumption.  It further complicates things that when they go out they sleep at their friend’s house off campus. My days start at least 2 hours earlier than theirs do, however, so sleeping out is quite difficult for me, and to be honest sleeping at someone’s house who I don’t know is not something I am completely comfortable with.  These factors have led me to be home alone for a few nights this week already.

The way I’m feeling right now scares me for a couple of reasons.  First of all I know that in the past, when I’ve felt isolated I have become very depressed and slipped further and further into my disease.  I am also starting to wonder if I can handle moving away to grad school hundreds of miles away from home completely on my own.  I do not plan on living alone in any of the cities that I could potentially move to, but still the reality of how it will be to know no one is becoming a scary reality.  I hope, however, that the fact that I am thinking about this now and am aware of my potential fears will some how motivate me to go out there and meet some new people.  As hard and awkward as it may be I know the dangers of not trying to get out there.  Thankfully this weekend I have the chance to  visit some of my college friends who are either studying or working in DC, and I hope they will give me the boost I need to get out there and change this situation.   Work and half marathon training will only last as a distraction for so long and are not acceptable replacements for real human connection.

Any tips for getting out there and meeting people?


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