bad little blogger

So I haven’t been the best at posting as much as I like over the past few days but in a way that is a good thing because it means I’m actually out living my/a life 🙂  But also bad because it I have been avoiding talking about somethings that I know I need to own up to…

This past week has been filled with a lot of ups and downs.  The good things have been actually being productive and starting big assignments/GRE prep, going out with friends both weekend nights, completing my 3rd double-digit run and feeling strong (even after a night out at the bars!), a new job (more on that in a bit), and getting a new pair of sneakers just in time for my race.  Saturday I was able to complete my third and final long training run for the half marathon.  Despite being up til 3 am and running in midday heat, I was still able to bust out the 10 miles in 1 hr and 30 min!  I also got to try out hammer gels on this run, which were a total success.  My stomach felt fine after I took them and my legs felt 1000x better.  Now I have 2 sources of mid run fuel I can bring with me on race day so I feel much more prepared.  Plus, it’s always good to have options and back ups just in case I start dragging and really need the extra fuel.

Despite all that good to boost my spirits, my world was kind of rocked on Tuesday when I found out I lost my work-study grant (due to some missing paperwork on my parents end) and was now jobless.  My family is not very well off and I really relied on the measly pay checks I earned working on campus to cover almost all of my living expenses at school.  After I informed my parents about all of this the next few days were spent in crisis mode seeing if anything could be done to reinstate my work-study grant.  Unfortunately there was nothing that could be done besides increasing a loan which we already have out.  Thankfully, I was able to find a new job through my school’s career center, although, it’s a tad less than fabulous.  I am now working as a domestic aid aka cleaning person for a wealthy family near my school.  Today was my first day at their house and I have to admit, it’s definitely providing me with some unique experiences and insight.  Even though its kind of embarrassing to tell people I am cleaning someone’s house, I hope this will allow for some personal growth which I’ve been lacking in lately.

I have also been really struggling with my body image lately.  More than I would like to admit. The next few things I am going to say may be triggering, but I really need to get them out.  The rational and irrational sides of my brain have really been going at it lately.  On the one hand, I know I have been working on fueling better, increasing my food intake, and allowing for more judgement free indulgences.  I also know that I have stepped up my exercise quite a bit these past few weeks and I have compensated for that, but not as much as I should.   The main problem is my distorted body image.  While babysitting this past week, I made the decision to use the family’s scale.  I do not have a scale in my apartment and the only other one I have access to is in the middle of my school’s gym, so yeah… not about to hop on that one…  But for some reason that night I decided that it would be a good idea to just check where I was at.  It was/is not
“good”.  In a couple of weeks it will be a year from when I left in patient treatment and I am not too far off from my discharge weight.  When I left home to return to school in September I was definitely much further away from my discharge weight.  But like I said before, my body image is so distorted.  I honestly believe I look the same as I did a couple of months ago and cannot recognize the weight loss.  This terrifies me.  I have worked so hard to be at a stable place and the idea that I am slipping again scares me to my core.  My therapist was happy to hear that my initial reaction to the number on the scale was fear and not satisfaction, but that does not mean I have been able to “fix things.”  I have been trying to increase my intake but with that comes anxiety about messing with my routine.  I know I need to challenge those thoughts and push through them, but it’s not easy.  I am so close to finally graduating and I refuse to let ED take my life on any more detours.

Wow.  It feels so good to get that off my chest.  I am sorry if that was TMI, but its whats been going on in my head so I thank you for reading if you did.

In other more exciting news MY RACE IS THIS WEEKEND and my mom is coming to visit!!!! I can’t believe it’s almost here…


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